Jun 11, 2015
What is a “Do over?”
A “do over” is having or taking the opportunity to try something a second time.
Learning Curve
When we are learning something new, we rarely get it right the first time. Children playing together are a great example of what is possible with a “do over.” Children will commonly ask for a “do over” or freely ask to try again.
Many of us have the expectation that we should know how to address challenges in relationship effectively and skillfully without ever learning or gaining experience. Almost any skill requires negotiating a learning curve.
Reflective Listening Exercise
Many times I am inviting couples into a reflective listening exercise, which can feel like learning a foreign language. It takes practice and repetition before people start to feel comfortable with the skill. Many times, people feel intimidated or afraid of not getting it right. More than anything, I am giving clients permission to get it wrong. The exercise has a step that allows them to check it out with their partner to see if they got it right. Their partner will correct them if they got it wrong.
If you try this exercise, your partner will likely be grateful for your effort and willingness. They will probably be more gracious and generous than you might expect.
Fear & Worry
When we worry, we are often:
One of the ineffective ways we deal with fear and worry is to avoid, but avoiding restricts our living and expression. Avoiding keeps us small, and keeps our relationship constricted.
A more effective approach to dealing with fear and worry in relationship involves being willing to try something new and to increase one’s skill and confidence.
Developing Skill Takes Practice.
Both negotiating difficult interactions in relationship and truth-telling take practice and the development of skill. Relationship dynamics can be incredibly tricky and complex. And yet, we feel we should know how to respond, without putting in the time to learn. We do not give ourselves the space and permission to practice in relationship. We are afraid of upsetting our partner, rocking the boat, or feeling inadequate. We can also feel worried about being dismissed or rejected.
If you have been listening to my previous podcasts, you probably have heard me say, challenges will arise in relationship. It is the way that we dealwith the challenges that determines our relationship experience and success.
If we choose to ignore the difficulty and let it go rather than circle back and address the issue, the we are missing a great opportunity.
If you still have feelings about something, it still has life. The emotions are still relevant, even if they occurred in the past. Time is often not linear in the emotional realm. Have you ever received a delayed thank you card? It still feels good, even if it is late.
“Do overs” give us the opportunity to practice and improve our interactions in relationship. “Do overs” help us cultivate more connection and meaning with our loved ones. Here are some tips to support your next “do over:”
1. Pay attention.
2. What is true?
3. What could I have said that would have been more genuine and authentic?
4. Ask for a “do over”.
5. Capture the moment (and essence) and do it over.
6. Feel the difference.
Hopefully, you will find that the “do over” approach can be a powerful option to repair and correct missteps in relationship. Even more, I hope you feel the transformational connection with you partner, and that you both feel more known and deeply loved by each other.
Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below.
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