Aug 21, 2015
COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES PART II
These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to
the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.
Over the last several weeks, I have been addressing a listener’s
question. She essentially asked, “What do you do when you have
gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine
Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how
do you deal with past hurts in communication as well?”
To answer her question, I first addressed The
Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my
next podcast, I talked about Being
The Best You Can Be In Relationship. The third podcast, I
discussed How
To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship.
Last week, I talked about How
To Clear An Issue With Your Partner. I discussed examples of
common marriage issues and the 7 important elements to successful
communication- when you have an issue with your partner. I
mentioned this exercise titled A
Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective
Communication. Today, I am continuing the conversation of How
To Clear An Issue With Your Partner.
1. DO YOUR INDIVIDUAL PREPARATION WORK.
- Get clear within yourself first. What is your concern or issue?
How do you feel? What is your need or desire?
- Getting clear will be helpful to you when you communicate and
it will be tremendously helpful to your partner as well.
- Being clear will help your communication be more effective and
efficient. You will be able to allocate more time and energy to
create a positive outcome.
- It is okay to want space to explore your feelings with your
significant other. However, I would let “being listened to” be the
goal for the first conversation. It may be too much to address the
process of exploring how you feel AND then to try and resolve
your concerns all in one sitting. This is especially true if
your partner has a limited capacity to process with you (i.e. not
their natural style of communication).
- Sometimes gender differences play a role in this aspect of
communication. Men stereotypically have a difficult time with long
process-oriented style of communication.
- If you are interested in taking some time to get clear before
addressing an issue with your partner, here is a good
reference tool.
2. SCHEDULE TIME TO MEET.
- Ask your spouse for some time to talk.
- Getting your partner’s permission ahead of time will help set
the conversation up for success. Your partner will be more engaged
and willing to participate when there is an agreement rather than
an imposition.
- Being on the same page with your agreement will
help promote clear communication and reduces expectations,
demands, overwhelm and disappointment.
3. IDENTIFY THE TERMS.
- What is your intention as a couple (i.e. clear communication,
understanding)?
- What is your individual goal (i.e. perspective taking,
learning, empathy)?
- What is your intention for self-accountability (i.e. try to
have an open mind)?
- Create safety. At any point, you and your partner can stop the
conversation. You can revisit the conversation when you are
both ready to re-engage.
- Plan for an estimated amount of time (i.e. 30 min to 50
mins). You can always plan for another time.
- Choose one topic to address. Stay with the one topic. If more
topics come up, take a note and schedule more time in the
future.
4. MANAGE YOUR LEVEL OF DEFENSIVENESS.
- Recognize your window
of opportunity.
- Strive to remain open, calm, and present.
- Be honest when you are starting to get triggered and defensive.
Take a break or end the conversation if you need to.
- What helps you refocus if you start to get defensive? What is
the long-term result that you desire with your partner (i.e. more
connection, strength, resolution, and closeness)?
Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.
~ Don Miguel Ruiz
5. PRACTICE THE COMMUNICATION EXERCISE.
6. GAIN A NEW UNDERSTANDING.
- By taking time with this exercise, you and your partner will
most likely gain more understanding and perspective about each
other’s experience.
- The goal is to resolve common marriage issues by having a new
learning and understanding- by postponing your position to really
get into your partner’s worldview.
- Once you have established a new understanding, you will be
prepared to engage in a new level of communication.
- When you and your partner truly feel heard, understood, and
validated, you will most likely feel a sense of closeness, warmth,
and connection.
This exercise takes effort, investment, and practice. If you are
interested in getting support for implementing these tools, please
contact me for relationship
coaching or to enroll in a couples
course.
MENTIONED ON THIS EPISODE:
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation
you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking
on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
Thank you so much for your interest in resolving common marriage
issues! I believe in your relationship success!
Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and
review if you would be willing to click
here.
Thank you!