Jun 30, 2016
Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation,
by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a
piece (article, video, qoute) that I like, I post it to my social
media channels and then I move on. However, Scott’s points stuck
with me.
I remember thinking to myself, “why am I continuing to think
about this video so much?” It was a wonderful talk, but it didn’t
strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began
to see how important his points are to relationships and
couples.
Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel
self-motivated to create the relationships we desire?
WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
In Scott Geller’s talk, he poses three questions to help
determine your level of motivation, which are based on research
findings
3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE YOUR MOTIVATION
LEVEL
1. CAN YOU DO IT? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT?
- Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop
the type of relationship you desire?
- When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this
self-efficacy.
- Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do
not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks
like.
- People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a
ton of expectations.
- For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic
needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is
difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into
strengthening their relationship.
2. WILL IT WORK? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PROCESS WILL WORK?
- Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you
achieve your relationship goals?
- Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to
engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding
of how the process might work. This often happens through
education, research, theory, demonstration, and training.
- Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or
couples therapy is for people who really have “problems.” Or they
see it as a last resort.
- Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate
a lasting, intimate relationship successfully.
- The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and
passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness,
willingness, and practice.
- This is why I created the Empowered Relationship Couples
Program, so that you have all the information, tools, and
resources you need to build a solid foundation for your
relationship success.
- Relationship Coaching is
another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in
working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid
foundation for your relationship.
3. IS IT WORTH IT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE ULTIMATE
OUTCOME?
- Is the end result worth it?
- Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e.
to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship).
If you answered “yes” to these three questions, you feel more
competent and more self-motivated.
CHOICE:
When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are
doing you feel more self-motivated.
Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence
he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive
consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often
people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here
are a few examples:
- Going to class to not fail (rather to learn).
- Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to
safety on the road).
- Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat
(rather that to feel nourished and healthy).
The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not
you will feel self-motivated. “It is how you communicate with
others and how you communicate to yourself.” says Scott Geller.
“Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a
success seeker rather than a failure avoider.” ~ Scott Geller
COMMUNITY:
People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of
connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier.
- Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about
their relationship dynamics with others.
- People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they
feel bad about their relationship challenges.
- Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their
relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating
a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship.
- In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and
friend’s are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple’s
union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of
their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we
need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most
people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate
relationship is off limits and too personal.
How do we build a sense of community? How do we support
each other and lift each other up? I want to hear
from you. Please comment below.
“We can always learn from each other. We need to have the
humility to accept feedback, and the courage to speak up. We need
to help each other feel (competent and) self motivated.” By Scott
Geller
MENTIONED:
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this
episode: ERP
069: Have You Lost Motivation In Your Relationship?
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation
you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking
on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
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your relationship.
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Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome
relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship
Course or doing relationship coaching work
with me.