Dec 16, 2016
Love languages are a tool to help us understand how we each give and receive love differently. This is particularly important to know if you are in a long-term intimate relationship because, most likely, you and your partner have different primary love languages. Which means you and your partner could be trying to express love to one another, but could be completely missing each other. This can be extremely frustrating and lead to feelings of disappointment, loneliness, and disconnect.
The love languages give us 5 basic categories of how love is generally expressed and received (felt). If you want to communicate your love with your partner, it will be helpful to know what language they typically use. Similarly, if you want to feel loved by your partner, it will be important to know what matters most to you (i.e. what ways help you feel loved).
In 1996, Gary Chapman wrote “The Five Love Languages.” Since then, his categorization of love has been highly recognized in popular self-help literature. He has written several additions helping people apply the 5 Love Languages to other relationships (i.e. parenting and professional relationship, etc.).
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
1. Words of Affirmation:
Words are used to express love, care, and regard. People with this
primary love language are deeply moved by statements of affection,
acknowledgment, and encouragement. They want to hear you say you
love them, or what they mean to you.
Examples:
2. Physical Touch:
Physical affection is used to display love, appreciation, and
meaning. For people with this primary love language, physical,
appropriate touch is a powerful way to feel and communicate love.
It is almost as if touching is a way to transmit love.
Examples:
3. Acts of Service:
Acts of service are any actions done with someone in mind. Most
often they are service-oriented actions intended to support or
help, so that their partner may feel cared for, thought about, and
loved. People with this primary love language often feel that
“actions speak louder than words.” Words and gestures will not help
them feel loved, if there is no action to support the
sentiment.
Examples:
4. Quality Time:
Giving someone your undivided attention, focus, and presence
demonstrates how much they matter, how special they are to you, and
how much you love and care for them. People with this love language
feel loved, cared for, and important when prioritized in your
schedule to receive valuable quality time with you.
Examples:
5. Gifts:
Tangible objects are used as symbols of love, affection, and
regard. Physical representation of I am thinking about you and I
love you. People with this primary love language feel especially
loved and cared about because of the thought and effort that goes
into the gift. It is not about the money spent. It is about the
attitude involved.
Examples:
Typically, people have a top one or two love language. The highest ranking love language is the number one way people feel loved, cared for, and valued.
Usually, the thing we give most often indicates our primary love language.
Notice in yourself:
Observe in your Partner:
1. Words of Affirmation:
They are good at expressing their feelings and how much you mean to
them. They may describe in detail what they appreciate about you
and explain all the reasons why they love you. They might leave you
voice messages throughout the day, write you cards and give you
poems. They will also be moved by receiving a nice compliment or
written acknowledgment.
2. Physical Touch:
They tend to initiate physical contact and closeness. They will
want to hug you hello and hug you goodbye. They will touch you when
they talk and want to sit close while watching a program. While
walking down the street they may want to link arms, hold hands, or
walk hip to hip. They may relax and feel happiest within your
embrace.
3. Acts of Service:
They tend to put a lot of effort into doing things for you. They
will want to help out, lighten your load, and take things off your
plate. If you talk about something that needs to get done, they
will often volunteer or may take the initiative to do it for you
without your asking them. They will think about you and how they
can help. When someone goes out of their way to do something nice
for them, they will feel extra special and feel that they were
worth the effort.
4. Quality Time:
They tend to be very present when hanging out. They give you good
eye-contact and are very good listeners. They will see the time
together as special and protect the quality of connection, by
keeping distractions to a minimum. They rarely multitask when
spending time together and will typically prefer one-on-one time
opposed to group gatherings. When someone drops what they are doing
to be available, they feel important, cared for, and like they
really matter.
5. Gifts:
They tend to give a lot of little gifts…framed photos, trinkets,
and mementos. They may be sentimental about objects that represent
a shared experience or family history (i.e. a shell found on the
beach together). They may collect things or appreciate high-quality
items. They will buy gifts to celebrate life events and milestones.
When receiving a thoughtful gift, they will feel especially cared
for and may cherish the gift as a symbol of love.
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 089: How to use Love Languages to strengthen connection [Transcript]
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