Dec 23, 2016
To learn more about Love Languages; a description of each Love Language, and how to determine you and your partner’s Love Language, check out the first part of this conversation on ERP 089.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.)
Depending on your life circumstances, you may become more attracted to a different love language, and your love language may change. For example, let’s say your love language has been “words of affirmation.” Then, you become a new parent, and your desire for “acts of service” grows, thus making your new primary love language “acts of service.”
Another example of a love language changing would be a husband looses his job and is feeling a lack of confidence and is feeling insecure. During this time, he may value “words of affirmation” more than his previous love language of “physical touch.”
There are a few criticisms of the Love Language theory. Here are a few:
The love languages can be a great tool to help you express love and care to your partner. If you truly understand their position and experience, then you will be more likely to want to help and support them to feel loved.
Here are some examples:
Words of affirmation:
Harsh words or tone of voice can be particular painful for someone
with this love language. Just as positive words will lift your
partner up, negative comments will tear them down.
Physical touch:
Going long periods of time without physical connection could lead
your partner to feeling unloved and discouraged. If you do not make
any effort to reach out to touch them, they may feel hurt and
unimportant to you.
Inappropriate or hurtful touch, like poking, prodding in a antagonizing way will be more upsetting for someone with this love language.
Act of Service:
Not following through with something you said you were going to do
will result to feelings of hurt, disappointment, and upset. They
will most likely feel as though you don’t really care when it comes
down to it, especially when they hear words and see no action.
Quality time:
When one partner is frequently distracted or preoccupied, their
partner can feel as though they don’t matter. They may have
thoughts like “their phone is more important than I am. Or cleaning
the house is more of a priority than I am.”
In times of distress, ignoring or stonewalling can be immensely painful for someone with this love language.
Gifts:
Overlooking gifts and thinking they are unimportant will often lead
to feelings of hurt, upset, and pain for your partner. They may
conclude that you don’t care or that you didn’t consider them.
Expectations:
It is important to have honest conversations about expectations and
hopes for the holidays, especially with consideration to love
languages.
Typically, partners will go to great efforts to show love and
affection to their partner and then feel let down when their
partner doesn’t appreciate their gift. When dynamics are already
strained, this disappointment can lead to resentment, unhappiness,
and discouragement.
Talking about your expectations can help prevent hurt, tension, and conflict during the holidays.
Awareness:
Each person is going to come into the relationship with different
family traditions. It can be helpful to talk about ahead of time
what traditions you want to do together.
Which ones do you want to keep, which ones do you want to let go and what new ones do you want to create together?
Intention:
Many couples are so busy with the additional events and ways of giving that they will lose connection with their normal ways of bonding. In this climate, couples can feel lonely and disconnected.
It is important to attend to the priority of your relationship. Can you do more together, rather than doing things separately? Or during a family event, can you take a moment to pay special attention to each other?
(Be sure to listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear gift ideas for each love language.)
An invitation:
Do one thing in your partner’s primary love language. For an added bonus you could try a 7 day challenge. Maybe you make a conscious effort to touch your partner everyday or tell them something you appreciate about them. Or bring them a small gift to let them know you have been thinking about them. Let me know how it goes.
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 090: How To Use Love Languages To Strengthen Connection – Part Two [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.
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