Nov 14, 2017
“I have been listening to your podcasts and i find them very helpful for me to understanding how to communicate and work through some of my thoughts and needs in my relationship. I have been having an internal struggle with myself in my relationship that i was wondering if you might be able to help me work through and understand.
I think this might have to deal somewhat with self love and self esteem but i am not sure how to get better with these subjects. I have this amazing boyfriend who knows I have insecurity issues and is really understanding and I believe I can trust him but I am having a struggle with modern normalities. There are 2 things that are similar but slightly different that I just can’t feel comfortable with. My boyfriend is a TV person and he likes to get into all sorts of shows ranging from standard TV to HBO and Cinemax type shows. He has told me that he doesn’t watch them for the sex scenes and nudity and i believe him but because he is a man i can’t think that he doesn’t enjoy them. This thought of that and how much there is in these shows makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to make him not watch the shows because it’s not his fault they put those scenes in these shows but I don’t know how to frame my mind to accept it. I also get uncomfortable about going anywhere where women will be barely wearing clothes like the beach, wondering if he might be enjoying what he sees, even though i know it’s natural to be attracted to other people it still makes me uncomfortable. I have talked to him about it and he has told me he is not a visual person and he doesn’t care about anyone else but i still understand that he is man. I want to be able to do these things with him because they are part of modern day life but i am having a hard time. If you could offer suggestions that would be so very helpful to me.
I also would like to thank you so much for putting together these podcasts for people like me. They help me grow as a person and become a better partner.”
Thank you for reaching out. I acknowledge your experience, the discomfort and struggle around these issues. I know it can be extremely painful. Also, I love that you are looking for ways to shift your experience and improve that way you deal with some of these insecurities.
Today, I am going to offer you some tips to address your questions. I will also be offering general suggestions and recommendations for how to deal with insecurity in relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
When we are feeling insecure, we are typically feeling as though we are not good enough and/or we are feeling some type of threat. While most of us will have feelings of insecurity at some point or another, it is important to pay attention to when we notice a repetitive pattern of insecurity. Especially because insecurities can push people away and be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Feelings of insecurity usually involve:
Inadequacy
When we question our value and self-worth, we tend to put a lot of
emphasize on other people’s perceptions of us. We will look for
outside validation, affirmation and reassurance to feel good about
ourselves.
The trouble with this approach is:
Anxiety
Relationship will evoke our fears, wounds, and insecurities. When
we love deeply, we are confronted with our attachment insecurities,
essentially our trust, confidence, and belief that our partner will
be there for us.
If you have experienced any disappointment, loss, pain, rejection, abandonment, trauma, or neglect in your early years in how your caregiver/s provided for you, it is likely that you may have some level of attachment insecurity.
Criticism
Sometimes, many times, we are our worst and harshest critics. There is nothing wrong with striving for greatness, but are we using pain, punishment, and shame as forms of motivation?
Comparison
In the The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca
Webber, she writes “Social comparison theory was first put forth in
1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, who hypothesized that we make
comparisons as a way of evaluating ourselves. At its root, the
impulse is connected to the instant judgments we make of other
people—a key element of the brain’s social-cognition network that
can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and
assess threats.”
Trying to control his environment.
Comparing yourself to every women on television and out in public.
Making your partner responsible.
Seeking continual reassurance.
Getting carried away with negative thoughts, worries, and fears.
Letting anxious feelings rule.
Stay tuned for the next episode discussing “What Will Work” when feeling insecure in relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship [Transcript]
If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information.
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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.