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Nov 22, 2017

Be sure to check out the previous episode, ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship if you missed it.



(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)


Understand your attachment style.

  • Secure attachment style leads to feelings of trust, confidence, and belief in relationship. Whereas, insecure attachment style leads to feelings of distrust, lack of confidence, and belief.
  • Knowing our attachment style can be really helpful in understanding your experience in relationship (in that it may have roots in the past). Sometimes we will recreate a dynamic from our past.
  • If we can be more aware of our attachment needs, then we can enter into healthier relationship dynamics. Over time, we can actually develop a secure attachment style.

Identify your operating beliefs.

  • About relationship?
  • About men? “Men are pigs. Cheaters. At some point, he will lose interested in me.”
  • About women? “She is prettier than me. She has a better body. She is not to be trusted.”
  • Are your beliefs unsupportive, limiting, and/or negative?
  • Identify them. Explore them. Get support.

Examine your fears.

  • It can be a good practice to get your thoughts down on paper, so that you can look at your process more objectively.
  • You will also be able to look at your fears more closely.
  • You may be able to distinguish more easily what is real and where you might be filling in the blanks.

Get to know your inner voice.

  • How you talk to yourself?
  • Does your inner critic run the show?
  • Can you invite other voices to the party?


  • One of the things that complicates matters is… we fight with ourselves. We will pretend like we are fine, good and have no issue, when in fact we are uncomfortable, scared, and threatened.

Take care of yourself

  • Remove yourself from the situation (i.e. like being hit by waves, barely keeping your head above water, but staying in the ocean).

Create your own environment.

  • Get into your space. What would you enjoy?
  • Stretch, music, candle, bath.
  • In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes “Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a guarantee.” 

Be vulnerable.

  • Acknowledge your fear and threatening feelings.
  • Biggest change for me. Instead of trying to control my circumstances. Turning inward, acknowledging my fear.
  • Sharing and if your partner is interested in helping, offer a way to help.
  • Trust will develop when you reveal yourself and your partner shows up.


  • Huge risk to love. There are no guarantees.
  • Our confidence builds when we believe we will be able to handle what life will bring us.
  • Grieving small deaths many times in the relationship. Not the way, I wanted or imagined.


  • Nature. Friends. Music.
  • In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes “Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren’t dependent on your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence, and having self-improvement goals that are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to do you.”


  • What do you appreciate about yourself? Qualities, traits, efforts, and intentions (i.e. Kind, loving, thoughtful, affectionate, honest, trustworthy, smart, etc.).
  • How do you add value and contribution to your relationship or your partner’s life?
  • Instead of focusing on what you don’t like or didn’t do well, focus on what you do like or did do well.
  • No one is you.
  • You have value to offer.
  • “Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.” by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D.

Stay tuned for the next episode as we revisit The Power of Kindness in Relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:




Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 127 : What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship – Part Two [Transcript]

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.