May 15, 2018
If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give you
explanations and examples of mindfulness and how you may already be
practicing mindfulness in your life. With a better understanding of
mindfulness in general, let’s talk about how mindfulness benefits
our relationship.
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the
transcript to hear explanations, stories and
examples.)
HOW MINDFULNESS BENEFITS RELATIONSHIPS.
Research is beginning to show us that higher levels of
mindfulness contribute to happier, more satisfying
relationships.
Generally, mindfulness helps us:
Keeps Things Fresh:
- You are less likely to take each other for granted or be caught
up in your stories and expectations.
- You are more likely to recognize the growth and newness in your
partner.
- You are more likely to appreciate and value your partner
because you are more in the moment and paying quality attention to
them.
Soothes Fears and Anxieties:
- While being in relationship provides love and connection, it
can also stimulate anxieties and insecurities.
- Fears of being hurt will make us more reactive and protective.
Unfortunately, these reactive and protective strategies push our
partner away, and lead to more
pain, conflict, and disconnect.
- Mindfulness is a valuable tool for dealing with our fears and
reactions.
Learning to deal with our insecurities is probably one of the
most important skills in keeping a relationship healthy and
happy.
7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
1. More Attentive
- With mindfulness practice, we strengthen the area in our brains
associated with attention and focus.
- When practicing mindfulness, we can recognize when we have
spaced out, started thinking about something else and come back to
our partner.
- For partner’s whose primary love language is “quality
time,” attention and focus are the ultimate ways of feeling loved
and cared about. When a partner is distracted and preoccupied, they
may feel as though “You don’t really care. You don’t really love
me.”
- Regardless of your partner’s primary love language, being
present and engaged helps create a safe space for your partner to
share and express more fully, which it turn cultivates a deeper
sense of understanding, intimacy, and connection.
2. Able to respond Rather Than React.
- When practicing mindfulness, we develop our capacity for
increased emotional regulation.
- In previous podcast episodes, I have talked about how easily
our “fight, flight, or freeze” mode can get activated when we feel
threatened. When we are in a triggered place, it is very
difficult if not impossible to respond in a level and skillful
way.
- Research shows that with mindfulness, we are able to decrease
the volume of the amygdala.
- The switch to our “flight, flight or freeze” response is not as
easily flipped. The amygdala has less power to hijack us.
Being able to respond rather than react helps partners slow
down, take pause and assess the situation before jumping to
conclusions. Once we have calmed down, we can communicate more
clearly and from the heart, rather than reacting and getting into
negative cycles or destructive behavior.
3. More Emotionally Regulated
- Mindfulness strengthens the prefrontal cortex and improves the
connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.
- The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is
responsible for higher level thinking, perceiving other’s emotions,
decision-making, moderating our behavior and regulating our own
emotional expression.
- These are all critical brain functions to being able to relate
to someone else effectively.
- One of the primary goals of keeping yourself regulated (calm
and collected) is to stay in the prefrontal cortex. As soon as your
amygdala is firing away, you are in protection mode.
How Mindfulness Can Save Your
Relationship By Lisa Firestone
“A typical conversation between a couple may involve one
partner remarking, “You used to be up for anything. You were so
lively when we met.” This may spark a defensive response in the
other partner: “What? You’re saying I’m not spontaneous anymore?
You think I’m boring? What about you? You never get off the couch!”
This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball
effect. “I never said you were boring, and now you’re calling me
lazy? I work day and night to make you happy. You’re so
ungrateful.” By Lisa Firestone
Without mindfulness, one is likely to have a short fuse and
respond in defended demeanor (i.e. “What is wrong with you?”).
With mindfulness, one is likely to recognize something is going
on and be more sensitive. (i.e. “Honey, I see you. Do you want to
talk about it?”)
- Imagine a scenario where your partner has done or said
something that you find alarming or challenging.
- You feel triggered. You feel your emotions rising to the
surface.
- You are at a choice point. You can react or take a few moments
to notice your thoughts and emotions.
- As you stay present to noticing your experience (without
getting caught up in your story or emotional reaction), you may
begin to gain some perspective and emotional balance.
- Then, you can address the situation from a more regulated way
rather than just reacting in a defensive and protective
manner.
Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four Ways
Mindfulness Can Benefit You and Your Relationship.
MENTIONED:
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this
episode:
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Thank you!
If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome
relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship
coaching work with me.