Oct 12, 2018
Envy is a normal human experience that results from comparing ourselves to others, and the feeling that we come up short in the comparson.
In the article, titled “To Love and To Envy,” by Dana Shavin, she writes “Envy is the emotion that arises when we feel that someone possesses an attribute we crave but lack.”
But what happens when we compare ourselves to our intimate partner and feel envy? This is a difficult question to answer because many of us do not want to acknowledge that we feel envy towards our significant other.
“The incidence of envy between spouses can be hard to measure because people mostly don’t admit it, even to themselves,” says psychiatrist Gail Saltz (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples.
Imbalances are going to occur in relationship. There is no way for you and your partner to be exactly matched in every facet of your life.
Examples of imbalance in relationship are when one partner:
Even when major imbalances occur in relationship, it doesn’t mean that envy will occur between partners.
Here are a few ways that couples maintain a strong relationship; They:
“Strong couples want the best for each other,” (Judith) Sills says. “They don’t compete except in play—think running a marathon or playing tennis. Strong partners are thrilled when the other gets ‘the goodies,’ even if they maybe feel a pang that they themselves didn’t.” (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
From time to time, we may all experience some level of partner envy. However, pay close attention if you notice envy becoming a more prominent feeling and/or you feel resentful, bitter, and disconnected in relationship with your partner because of envy.
Here are a few reasons why partner envy happens:
“People who don’t fully grasp the concept of ‘what’s good for one of us is good for both of us’ tend to envy a partner’s success,” (Gail) Saltz says, “even as it makes life better or easier for both of them.” (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
“Psychologist Peter Fraenkel, an associate professor at City University of New York and the author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage, says that, like many problems in intimate relationships, a propensity to envy can often be traced to childhood. A lack of praise from parents, or achievements that were met with indifference or criticism, can set the stage for a lifetime of insecurity about one’s accomplishments.” by Dana Shavin
1. Be Honest About Your Experience.
“Harboring resentments toward your spouse is never a good idea,” (Gail) Saltz says. Recognize that to envy—and be envied—is human and move on to the next step: deciding how you and your partner will deal with the problem.” (quoted in To Love and To Envy)
2. Assess Equality In The Relationship.
3. Look For Desire & Discontent.
4. Focus On The Team.
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode:
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Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Knowing how to overcome envy in a relationship help couples overcome selfishness and celebrate each other’s success.
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