Apr 3, 2018
LISTENER’S QUESTION
“I love your podcast! Thank you so much for all your advice. I have been dating a guy ten years my age for just over a year. The first 5 months of our relationship I was emotionally cheating with my ex. When it became open I cut off communication and worked very hard to gain back trust. It’s been eight months on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to earn back trust. I did everything I thought to do to fix my mistakes and it seemed futile. It came to the point where I told myself I was “done” if he aggressively accused me and belittled me one more time. It happened of course and that was a turning point for me. I have lost interest in trying. Now my boyfriend decided he doesn’t want to lose me and wants to work on things and even offered to pay for counselling… but I can’t get my ex (whom I cheated on with) out of my head. I haven’t contacted him since I don’t want things to be messier than they are but I don’t know what to do. Is my obsession with my ex is real or fake. Should I stay and fix this since my boyfriend wants to work on things or should I move on or contact my ex?”
(Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)
POINTS DISCUSSED
“Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that often we do not notice the sense of distance at first.” By Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks (Conscious Loving, page 48)
RECOMMENDATIONS:
Many times people get preoccupied with questions like “Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship? Should I stay or should I go?” These are very difficult questions to answer. Instead, I would like to encourage questions like “How can we invest in a positive, constructive dynamic together? How can we build a safe connection? How can we build trust?”
You already know the dynamic isn’t working. Focus on repairing the interactions and this will give you a better opportunity of saving your relationship. I would highly recommend getting support to work through the areas that have been keeping you stuck, as well as to build a constructive path forward. At the very least, you will learn a lot about yourself.
MENTIONED:
TRANSCRIPT:
Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 139: How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT]
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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.