Jul 27, 2021
It is common for codependent people to be people pleasers. While
this strategy is effective at avoiding conflict, it also builds up
anger and resentment that your partner may not even know about.
Michelle Farris is a licensed psychotherapist, anger management
specialist, and course creator. She discusses how letting go of
codependence is not an easy task as the anger that so often
accompanies codependence feels too familiar.
Toxic codependence does not have to be a permanent reality.
Michelle explains that therapy provides a safe space to work out
the root cause of your pain and allows you to go through the
complex process of recovery. Michelle's work helps codependent
people trust themselves and create mutually satisfying
relationships. She has been featured on Psych Central, Bustle, Your
Tango, The Good Men Project, and The Daily Positive to name a
few.
Check out the transcript to this
episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.
In this episode:
- 07:18 Codependency is a relationship pattern
that focuses on others at the expense of yourself. It relies on
external validation. Recovery helps people discover their personal
identities.
- 08:58 Identifying the traits of
codependence that are hurting you is the first step of recovery. It
may take years to become ready to let go as there is a painful
withdrawal process that must be undertaken.
- 15:50 Saying no takes practice. Start
with the safest people who are okay with you saying no and start
with the "baby nos."
- 18:26 Codependent people may not relate
with the word anger, as it may be too scary, but can typically
relate with resentment.
- 21:14 Voicing what hurt you is a
liberating experience. It has the potential of changing the
dynamics of your relationship because it creates awareness of what
you're feeling, something which may not have been apparent
before.
- 24:49 Codependents don't go to anger
immediately. It is, in many ways, a secondary emotion that comes
after hurt. But festering anger and feelings of being a victim
begin with hurt not being handled in the first place.
- 29:04 When anger leads to rage it is
critical to be mindful. It is probably not the best time to talk
and you may need to take some time off and walk away before
returning.
- 32:10 Anger at oneself is tricky
territory. It's important to have a safe community, perhaps in
therapy, where you are validated that you did the best you can
given your circumstances and you can make a different choice when
you are ready.
- 34:15 Recovery involves fixing your
relationship with yourself, improving your relationship skills, and
doing the childhood work. This is not linear and the issues with
each aspect happen at the same time, making recovery a complex
endeavor.
- 37:03 An addiction to relationship is
additionally complex as having it is a biological necessity.
However, what therapy does is lessen the dependence on other
people.
- 42:17 Receiving a favor is a practice
that not only helps you take care of yourself but also allows
others to be present in your life.
- 44:46 How to get in touch with Michelle
and learn more about Counseling Recovery
Mentioned
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